Answers.....

What do I write about? - Anything that comes into my head?

What's my experience? - Well, my Mum told me when I was about 5 years old, that I'm a chatterbox and I'm almost 47 now.

What happens in the end, how will that be decided? - "They all lived happily ever after".

Who's the audience? - Me / Initially

What do I want to tell them? - Here's an opportunity to become part of making real wishes come true and read all about it.

The Truth behind Story Tellers...

When you think of Story Tellers, do you imagine a rocking chair next to an open fire?

A pastel crocheted blanket, maybe an elderly lady with a pretty picture book and a story with a 'Happy Ever After" ending?

How did the first intelligent forms of our species influence (and continue to do so) their world?



Besides that, have you ever wondered why it is you haven't done that 'something' you've always wanted to do?


For example:

I've always wanted to be a writer....

When I was at high school, my English teacher would say to the class, "That's TWO Sides - Each! And I want complete sides in both instances, no s p r e a d i n g the words across the page."... then add, "Barbara, please... no more than 5". Which incidentally told me, while he may skim over the rest, he wanted to read at least 10 pages of mine.

So, anyway, it's always puzzled me. How is it, if I'm so great with words and have always wanted to be a writer, that when I've sat down to write something, it's not been the way I imagined it?

For years, I have picked up pen/pencil and (latterly) 'word' with the intention of writing then sat staring. What do I write about? What's my experience? What happens in the end, how will that be decided? Who's the audience? What do I want to tell them?

Ways and Rights ....

I want to complain to Stafford Borough Council regarding their traffic warden local policies and refreshment training potential for existing staff.

I went into town expecting to take less than 30 minutes to complete my business
As I found a space by the zone, I parked and hastened away
Before my business was complete
I happened to meet
The Traffic Attendant on Duty
(Wednesday 29th September @ 4pm (approx)

From the window - my son saw - the attendant taking photographs
I ran over crying out, "Ah, I see you're enjoying my lovely car!"
Then pointed out, "I've only been here a few minutes"
"Alas" he pointed somewhere behind me, "you're not allowed to park here, as it's clearly indicated by the arrows"
I looked behind, then spotted the sign, I read what it said, "No return parking (some times stated and 30 minutes with an arrow underneath)" - I pointed to it saying, "What - that?" he repeated, "As it clearly states...." and I interrupted, "Well... we'll have to disagree there because (and I pointed again) that's not clear in the way you're suggesting at All".

He attempted to explain that my car was the wrong side of the arrow although it was half and half due to the poor parking in front of me. He accepted my apology and said he wouldn't give me a ticket provided I move the car immediately. So I thanked him profusely and drove around the block to return to where I'd had to leave my son. While I drove I considered the welcoming this impression would have on potential Stafford town tourists. I thought about the pleasant disposition of the traffic attendant and the costs of courtesy nowadays.

I'd no sooner returned, and parked in front of the shop I was having a business meeting within. There he was again, taking photos. I ran outside, "It's still within the 30 minutes!" I cried, "But you're now parked in the 'blue badges only' parking area".

I considered explaining APD to him - as it's still described as a disability (so it should be Some use to me).

Instead I asked, "Well WHERE can I park that won't result in you giving me a ticket?"
You know what he said to me?


"That's up to you to decide, but I must tell you if I find you parked here again inappropriately, it will result in an immediate fine".

I thanked him again profusely, "Thank you, you're so kind, thank you for being so helpful".

Now you might be thinking that's irony, and I'm not going to suggest that it's not. However, that's not what I wanted or intended it to be.

For Assessment Of APD - A Note....

It's futile to attempt to test immediate, short term memory of any person known or suspected of APD.

Why?

Because we're 'recording' - (and 'recording' continues).

An Introduction.....

Hello, my name is Barbara, I will be 47 on the 3rd October 2010 and I'm a single mother of four children (who are 22, 20, 17 and 14 years old respectively). I'm very new to the world of art, only beginning to paint during February this year.

Previously I've worked in various administrative roles since leaving school at the age of 16. I commenced employment with the Inland Revenue in 1981. Since then I've worked for a range of Government Departments, a couple of Universities and NHS Trusts. I've had a variety of work titles which have included: Clerical Assistant, Executive Officer, Team Co-ordinator, Personal Assistant and Information Analyst.

Originally from Liverpool, I have been married and divorced twice, lived in Merthyr Tydfil for 7 years (following the divorce from the father of my children and my second husband) before moving to Stafford last August. 

This is my first ever entry into any art competition since my O Level in 1980 (and we didn't have the benefit of oil paints when I was at school). The paintings I've selected for this competition include my 2nd ever oil painting. Like everyone who's entered the competition, I've agonised over what to put forward. I've gathered my four children and asked them for their choices out of the 30 pieces I've completed since February this year.

The Lux Veritatis (Light of Truth) was my 2nd oil painting attempt, it's on oil quality paper and measures 20 x 16 inches. Set against the background of the garden here in Stafford, the female figure depicts the Veritatis. I wanted to demonstrate my keen interest in pagan ethics whilst meeting the personal challenge of producing a credible representation inclusive of fine detailed brush work. This piece incorporates numerous and established symbolic references.

Secret Heart (of England), oils on oil quality paper and measuring 20 x 16 inches. This piece was my fourth oil painting and included a range of personal challenges: water, animals, finer detail and more intricate and embedded symbolic references e.g.: Biblical inferences with the trees forming a frame either side (and the 'secret' inverted heart).

Mere Maid was completed in June on box canvas and measures 62 x 52 x 4 cms. The painting extends around all sides so that it can be seen and appreciated from all angles. It's a fantasy sunset over low tide and a quasi self portrait. I wanted to show how, as a 21st century and mid 40s woman, we can often feel at sea and have a coloured (experienced) perspective that can be beautiful with hindsight.

Navy Pier - Chicago, oils on box canvas measuring 92 x 62 x 4 cms. Completed in July this year. This was my first attempt at producing a quality photographic image with oils and first city background scene. I completed this piece within 24 hours of unwrapping the canvas and I'm very pleased with the result.

Shoreline Sunset - oils on box canvas measuring 92 x 62 x 4 cms. Completed last month. A dreamy sunset and reflection over the sea and tidal drenched patches of beach.

As this is my very first venture into the world of art exhibition and competition I would appreciate your comments regardless of whether or not I'm one of the few fortunate to be short-listed. I have no real idea of their individual worth and any advice will be most appreciated.

Thank you for taking the time to look at my paintings and I hope you've been able to do so (not sure about the size of the jpgs you've received or the quality).

Kindest regards

Barbara

The Search for Respect....

We teach our children, "Respect has to be earned"

Then wonder, "Why is it our children disrespect us?"

I've four reasons to ask myself that question daily. So I search for ways to demonstrate to Them, why I deserve their respect. First of all, to my credit, I have taught them not to accept everything they're told, to Question.

I am their Mother: their first and most frequent experience of the world they inhabit and how they appreciate it (and why) has been taught through me in the first instance.

So let me list what I take some modest credit for:

Healthy

Happy

In/dependent children

Intelligent

Witty

Explorative

Confident

Articulate

Friendly

Polite   - (mostly)

Attractive

Charming

Disarming

Philosophical

Scientific

Critical

Analytical

Passionate

Caring

Individuals

Courageous



Include my two dogs/pups (Little & Large).

(btw, circles have 2 sides)

My Multi-verse Theory

For a start, I don't see why I can't have one. It's my choice, isn't it?

So, let's assume (for the sake of discussion) that we accept the whole concept of a Multiverse. No wait, first I should explain the basic premise.

We know a lot more about our universe than we ever have before (?). We've a great deal more ability to share ideas, discoveries and exchange knowledge, at least.

If there is more than one universe, and logic supports the suggestion, then where are the others?

Is this a question we'll ever be able to answer and just how would we be able to prove their existence credibly in our universe?

I think, if we can ask the question, the answer must also be available. Maybe 'our purpose' is to figure it out. That seems to be the primary purpose of every human being, to some degree. Our motive for having children is to ensure that the search continues and that our genetic contribution to the ultimate success is ensured in the process. - Survival of the Fittest

Without digress, when you look around the world, wherever you might be, what do YOU see?

Is it based on description?

How do you define anything that's a part of that vista, how do you explain it to yourself, where did that description come from, why do you accept it?  - Critical Analysis

See a pattern here?

Let's consider the earliest recognised forms of human expression <laughter>. When I ask myself for examples of this, I'm thinking, filtering, sorting.

Answers are provided and questioned for accuracy

A)  Cavemen drawings?                                            Q) Hm, maybe, anything earlier?

A)  Finger marks on   snow?      sand?         soil?                           Q) Ahhh......  (nods 'Yes' x3)



You may have alternate suggestions which predate those I've considered above which are accurate, if you do, let me know.

What purpose did those finger marks serve? How did our species benefit from developing this as a skill?

Why am I asking this question? It's the key.


Speculate with me briefly, imagine, if you will, that we're hard wired to tell the truth. It's a fundamental requirement of our species - the ability to make informed choice. Problem is, it's not always a good idea to tell the truth.

Caveman 1 has killed a deer and if it's not moved soon'ish, other animals will eat it. What does he do? He can't manage on his own, he could fetch the carcas back to his cave, but that means the rest of them would know he had it. They'd probably want some and may even take it. Still, it's no good to him where it is, whereas, if he asks the others (back at the cave) if they'll help him carry it back there, then he could let them have some for helping - Share. So, now he's decided, he goes back to the Cave.

He stands in front of the 'ugly crew' and scratches his head. He's got a problem, how does he let them know what he wants them to do? They're all huddled together, looking cold, tired and hungry. While he's trying his best to get them to follow him outside, in the rain/snow. In fact, they may watch up until he starts going outside the cave beckoning to them. They keep looking away.

What's he going to do, it's really wet out there, he wants the meat back in the cave straight away.

Saying, "Ug, UG!" isn't helping.  <wry grin - don't you love recognising connection - I do>

Now, this is an unusual event because, in this instance, one ape is thinking.

How do we know this? He's scratching his head (which is tick-ling). Growth activity in humans (as in most species) is demonstrated with ITCHING.  I know this because I don't need to ask, although people may attempt to hide it from me, their subliminal imperitative will ensure it's displayed - the Truth Imperitative

We live on a planet of complex ecology which is balanced, weighed only by 'Consequence'. That is to say, what we do affects our environment. Here's an example:

Artfur (the lion) looks up and thinks before answering, "Thanks for asking, and yeah... I'm okay, I do alright. I won't say things aren't hard sometimes. People say I'm the king of the jungle and that's true up to a point. I get the wives running around to keep me fed and fend off the young bucks from my harem. Sylvester  the lion across the west side of the Savannah (I call him Silly or Sly - just as a pet name), he's sometimes a problem, but after we've had a fight the females work a bit harder so that's okay. (he licks an old wound with apparent pleasure and wipes his left ear and eye). It's a good job I've got such a thick mane, it's annoying at times - makes me itchy, but what's great is that it's difficult for Silly to take a bite where it might really hurt.

Incidentally, Artfur has just reminded himself of an injury and he's 'processing'.

Extract - Wikipedia

Psychologists will make theories to try to explain a behavior or pattern they see. Based on their theory they will make some predictions. They may then carry out an experiment or collect other types of information that will tell them whether their predictions were right or wrong.
Some types of experiments cannot be done on people because the process would be too lengthy, expensive, dangerous, unfair, or otherwise unethical. There are also other ways psychologists study the mind and behavior scientifically, and test their theories. Psychologists might wait for some events to happen on their own; they might look at patterns among existing groups of people in natural environments; or they might do experiments on animals (which can be simpler and more ethical to study).
Psychology shares other things with natural sciences, as well. For example, a good psychological theory may be possible to prove wrong. Just like in any natural science, a group of psychologists can never be completely sure that their theory is the right one; but if a theory can be proven wrong, and yet other psychologists do not successfully prove it wrong, then it is more likely that the theory is accurate. This is called falsifiability.
Scientific psychologists use a lot of different tools as part of their daily work and to carry out their studies. Psychologists use surveys to ask people how they feel and what they think. They may use special devices to look at the brain and to see what it's doing. Psychologists also often use computers so that they can carefully measure when and how people behave, usually in response to pictures, words, symbols, or other stimuli. Psychologists use statistics, too, to help them analyze the data that they get from their experiments.

[change] Symbolic and subjective approaches

Not all psychology is scientific psychology. Psychodynamic psychology and depth psychology do things like interpreting people's dreams to understand the unconscious mind, as in older approaches to psychology begun by Sigmund Freud or Carl Jung.
Humanistic psychology and existential psychology also believe that it is more important to understand personal meaning than to find causes and effects of mental processes and behaviors.

Trust .... the facts

Trust is an important issue, never underestimate it's value to you. So when you find yourself questioning trust, there's a reason, there always is. Understanding the reason allows you to make the informed choice.

Imagine a conversation between two people, it goes like this:

B) What's the matter?

A) I don't trust you

B) Why not?

A) I don't trust your judgement

B) That's interesting, why not?

A) Bad decisions that you make

B) Like what?

A) Oh you're not interested... <mumble mumble>

B) I am, that's why I asked

A) I don't want to talk about it

B) But I want to know what you mean, just give me an example

A) It doesn't matter now, forget it

B) It does matter, I want to know

A) It's the past, move on, get over it

B) I still want an example

A) You threw me out of my home at Christmas!

B) That's true, I did, and I told you why, I had reasons.

A) That's not good enough

B) Why not?

A) You don't just throw someone out of their home at Christmas

B) True

A) You shouldn't have done that to me

B) Why not?

A) Because you don't DO that

B) I explained at the time, did I not?

A) I can't talk to you

B) Why not?

A) You don't listen

B) I do

A) No you don't

B) Yes I do, when I ask you a question, you avoid answering it, you reply. I asked you what was the matter, you didn't tell me. I asked you what you wanted me to do and I did it, you said that wasn't enough. I did what I thought you wanted, still that wasn't enough. You wanted me to do things I didn't want to do, when I did them, still... it wasn't enough.

You said you were thinking of leaving, you were unhappy, you had been for weeks. When I asked you to explain why you refused. I suggested leaving and you made no attempt to discuss it. You knew I had nowhere else to go yet you stayed. You've said since that this was a 'tactic' .... waiting for things to 'blow over' and we could talk reasonably. What you meant was, when you felt in charge. You were waiting for me to agree.

I thought about it, I thought hard.

We weren't happy, we should have been - we'd planned it

we Could have been.              <past tense.

You were the one who was unhappy, you said you were unhappy with me. No matter what you said you wanted from me, when I gave, it wasn't enough. You were making me unhappy in the process. I made the decision to ask you to leave as a result.

You refused.

When grown ups have a relationship that makes them both unhappy, and they can't agree how to resolve it, they split up. That's sensible, that's logical, admitting and acknowledging that saves time and the reward either side is the new opportunity, to find happiness for themselves and their family.

A) You don't just give up

B) True, I don't...


it takes sometime to convince me. I know why exactly it won't work.

The truth is I have a horrible habit of thinking I can make most things be what I want. The problem is that I don't want that to be a forced issue with someone in my life. It's either the way they are, or not.

How can I love you when I know why you don't love yourself?

Would someone who loves you make it easier or harder? Would they add to your life or spoil it? If they spoil it, did someone else benefit, or did you?

Different? In What Way.... ?

When people Keep telling you "You're different", you stop and you wonder why,

or at least, I do/have.

What's normal to me seems different to others, it's been a puzzle because they've not wanted to explain or try.

Answers are often hazy, but I've collected a few:

It's your smile

The way that you think

You're interesting

Intriguing

and Fit

You're kind, thoughtful

Generous

You're mine

A Wit

Really caring

Talented

Special

A Whizz

Stunning, Attractive and Slim

The owner of dirty laughter

An Open Book

Intelligently challenging

A romantic, idealist and occasional fool

I'd carry on, but the list is endless.....

(Billie Holiday) "Summertime... and the living is Easy....."

Before I had time to complete my nth Mills & Boon, autumn shades coloured the avenues and the time approached, in fact it was hurtling towards me. I made my way to the Careers Office. They were very helpful, explained how there were no  jobs (at that time) but that they had a number of work experience roles they could offer.

As I was keen I asked her what areas of work in those roles were available, she read through each card, "Shoe shop Assistant, Shoe shop Assistant, Shoe shop Assistant, Shoe shop Assistant, Inland Revenue Assistant, Shoe shop Assistant, Shoe shop Assistant, Retail Assistant, Shoe shop Assistant" and looked at me expectantly.

"Er, were there Two jobs that didn't involve shoes or footwear?"

She looked through her cards (shuffled them) and said, "No, just the one".

"Oh, well in that case, I'll go for the one that doesn't involve shoes"

I was told to make sure I stayed by the phone when I got home.

A Big Decision...

I had to decide almost immediately, whether or not to really try and get a job straight away, or enjoy the last 6 weeks of summer holidays (all in one go) I'd probably ever have again?

I agonised for... at least a moment before concluding, it was a no brainer, I'd worry about work sometime in September.

When I left school....

It was 1980.

I didn't like it and was glad of the opportunity to leave it behind.

I'd upset both my English and Art teachers, by admitting I had no intention of continuing through 6th Form/College to University.

I wanted to get on with the business of living,

I had plans.

Choices...

Life is a series of choices, given any event.




Countdown - seconds passing as it approached, the hour, in fact, the first second of the 21st Century was about to happen. Part of me was thrilled to be experiencing this moment in history, then I looked at the man in the wheelchair, our four children so far away from him - and at my side. With a resigned sigh, I started making my way through the other guests at the New Year's Eve party marking the end of  the 20th Century.

I didn't want to kiss him. As I stood next to him, people around us hugging "Happy New YEAR!". He looked up at me, and I looked down. Down through his eyes, through all the expressions I'd seen on his face during the years.

Bible Punchers....

I forget what the occasion was, but I was handed a Bible and asked to swear on it....

I thought for a couple of moments until I was asked, "Is that a problem?"

I said, "Well, Yes.... I'm not a Christian, and this is.... The New Testament......"   ?


You can't claim to be interested in understanding our world if you don't also find religion, politics, history fascinating.

The truth is that something is often boring because it's so obvious and true. So when does it become interesting? When it involves something (K) new?

Or perhaps when something's known/noun?

The truth is, what they were asking me wasn't something I could agree to based within the confine parameters of their obvious evidence choice. Or, to put it another way, if they insisted and I was prepared to lie - placing my hand on their book and saying, "I'm not going to lie" may prove one already occurring.

Who tells them this.... ?

There's no such thing as Magic

                                               There isn't? What's this <points> ?

They're 'Tricks'

                                                Tricks aren't Magic?

No, there's no such thing as Magic

                                                But there are tricks?

Yes

                                               What about miracles?

They don't exist

                                              There's no miracles <looks at infants>

None at all

                                              What's this?

That's just a baby

                                              Just a baby?

Yes it is

                                               Oh

I'm Clever...

We may value intelligence within our culture, but we do have difficulty when introduced to it,

"I'm clever"

"Who said?"

There is immediate disbelief and some request for external/outside confirmation.

Why?

Because we'd all like to think we're clever, but generally believe that we're not. Consequently, those who announce it are treated with suspicion. The assumption is that they are probably lying and if not, bragging.

If I say, "I'm Clever", what's the thinking behind your response and how likely is it that it's in anyway similar to mine when I said it?

The problem is, while I may appreciate the typical association tags of academic 'stamping', I don't share it on a personal level myself. That's probably the result of two things, apparent lack of parental expectations in my early environment and APD itself.

Mind you, after saying that, I also don't share many of the socially recognised status motivations.

Success has it's own problems, immediate impact on children being the most obvious.

So how do you measure success?

By the size and shape of your car, house, bank balance?

Or your children?

What is Your legacy?

What do you Value?

What matters Most?

How Successful Are You?

Defining 'Normal'...

What IS normal anyway? Does anyone actually know for sure? Statistics are restricted by question, if you're attempting to define normal by question, you're limiting the answer by application and definition - Literal/Figurative.

We naturally check for confirmation - how many times have you said or heard someone else's reply begin with, "Oh, yes, I do that too!" after which they may give more personal and specific information, "but I like to make sure that the weather forecast is good for the rest of the day"

(Clever thinks about her reply before saying), "Mmmm, I have done that occasionally myself".

Now, what I find interesting at this point is something I'll explain later. For now, there's a conversation ongoing that I've introduced after the initial comment, which was: "I like to wash the bed linen when I know I'll be able to get it dried outside, and I like to hang it out first thing."

What's normal to me is to think deeply into  potentials, suggestions, hints - when they interest me. I may not appear to be paying attention sometimes, that maybe because I'm concentrating. So when Clever says,  "I like to wash the bed linen when I know I'll be able to get it dried outside, and I like to hang it out first thing." - I know exactly what she means and why it makes perfect sense to me. So when the reply "Oh, yes, I do that too!" I'm hearing confirmation of it, these two have a similarity. Something shared. The next comment, "but I like to make sure that the weather forecast is good for the rest of the day" refines it. Clever's answer, "Mmmm, I have done that occasionally myself". tells me lots of things, including another similarity with reservations and limits.

But if you were to ask me, what's normal, I'd say....

What's normal to me is to be aware of the good things that life offers and imagine what that involves, inclusive of the associated feelings, deeper awareness and potential. To imagine what the best and worst case scenarios would involve and select accordingly.

What's also normal is for that to extend as a protective guidance geared and directed to my own children.

Also normal to have chosen a legacy.

"How do I explain this?"

Clever says, "Well, you see, I've always wanted to be a writer and everyone has always said things that agreed. For example, my English teachers have always been very complimentary, no exceptions and other people comment about how I have a way with words. Plus there's so much that I think about, it's nice to share and know what other people think about those thoughts. I like learning. I prefer to be right, but I'm okay with being wrong. Being Clever means that happens to me too but I learn from it. In fact, the only way to be really Clever is if you're able to anticipate that too.

Clever thinks....

Clever thinks..... "Did they just ask me to repeat my answer?" "Did I get the definition wrong?" "Why else might they ask me that?" (being Clever, she's very polite)

Clever says, "Mmm, let me think..."

What Makes Clever Interesting?

How do we accurately define 'Clever' ? Let's ask her.....

So, Clever, welcome to the conversation and tell me .... what is it that makes you Clever?

Hi, thanks for the welcome ... well... what can I say, Er... it's the ability to interrogate things successfully and make a fair judgement based on all the available information and come to the correct conclusion. (Clever appears to day dream for several moments before refocusing and saying) Yeah, that seems fair.

Interesting, interesting, so... how would you define your abilities?

What?

Science And God (s)

Imagine the conversation?

Science: "We don't believe in You"

God (s): "Oh" ... "er.... why not, exactly?"

Science: "We figured out we have a choice and decided to do away with you, you aren't necessary and besides, we couldn't find any evidence"

God: "Oh dear, oh I see"

God thinks for a short while (for humour) "So, let me get this right. What you're  saying is, you can prove I don't exist and if I DO exist, there's no evidence?"

Science: "Hm.... that seems to be about the nature of it"

God: "Oh"

(God thinks for a bit again)

God: "Right, so,if you don't believe in God, the promise of heaven - you don't believe in that either, but you believe about choice, that's right, isn't it?"

Science: "Erm, yes, that just about sums it up"

God: "Because you want that choice?"

Science: "Er, well, obviously we'd want our choice"

God: "Oh, okay then. So, what do I have to do?"

Science: "You don't do anything"

God: "Ah right, what about my choice?"





I remember being in a French Language class at High School. I had wanted to learn the language but I wasn't impressed with the teacher. She was nervous, didn't understand children at all and unwelcoming. She had started the class off in taking turns reading the text from a French language book. I got bored listening to the others stumbling over each syllable of every word. I allowed my mind to wander, probably as far as the boys changing rooms - Paddy had PE on the same days I had French and the class overlooked the boys changing rooms. (It's a long story - you had to be there).

Anyway, my attention was brought back sharply by the teacher, Miss Llewellyn, saying, with a smug smirk on her face, "Carry on reading for us Barbara!" - expecting me to be flustered (beg students for pointers - you know the sort of thing) in stead, I smirked back, and read in perfect dialectish French exactly where the previous student had left off. I was almost as amazed myself, I'd not been reading at all, my book was unopen, I'd had to open it and quickly scan the page I thought was most Likely, and found the previous sentence by Chance (?). The 'look' on her face (because I kept lifting my head to watch her expression) was a picture.

Talking to myself.....

So, here I am, talking to myself.

Well, I would do. Part of having APD is that I naturally prefer objective speculation and that requires care in understanding, which is why I like written forms of language in specific circumstances. Not least of which is the correlation.

So, Self, what do you want to happen?

I've been thinking about this for a long time, for as long as I can remember. The answer has always been

Whatever will make me and/or my children happiest.



I love my children, I know them so well. They think I don't, but I do.

I've enjoyed every moment of being a Mother, a Mum, the best friend, critic and fan.

As a Parent and Single Mother, my priorities will always be my children. Anyone who suggests they should be something else, is mad.

Example: Home = Rented accommodation which is tenancy reviewed intermittently @ 6 months or @ 12. The latter about to be applied. Capped financially Mother of four on one hand, Homed and secured With prospects and specific goal on the other.

Matters of facts....

Believe it or not, I'm the first and only APD dog trainer - True, Fact.

Question, why isn't the 'Are' in question A) superfluous?

Question - Are you All Right?

Answer - Because this isn't an extension usage, it suggests the alternatives as a prefixation, preface. It may seem perfectly reasonable to ask more outright, "You alright?" or alternatively, "Alright You?", or is what's being said actually, "Ah You, alright?". Actually, it's none of these, it's something else,

This: "You are all right" or "You are alright", alternatively "All right you are" or "Alright - You are".

See the difference?

The Pros Vs The Cons

Parenting is so important to me. I can't emphasise or exaggerate how much of who I am is defined by that single statement.

Being critical, perhaps, I could understand how someone (even my children) may look at me and think, "She's not perfect, she makes mistakes, gets it wrong, does things badly".

Actually, in part response to that very possibility, I constantly scrutinise how I behave, react, prompt, interract with my children and I look for where I'm at fault. If I decide that perhaps the critiscism is appropriate, I then review the options that were/are/could be as alternatives. Taking into consideration what the consequences may be and how my actions, comments or whatever, contribute to that end result. I weigh up the pros and cons:

Who stands to benefit most?

However much I disliked whatever behaviour (etc) I was involved in, was it true that the results could have been better alternatives, and if so, in what way?

Was the reason why I didn't like it more to do with looking like "The Bad Guy" or was it because I'd mishandled/misjudged and/or taken inappropriate action?

What exactly was it that I'd done that had been wrong and in what way?

Why had I behaved like that?

Was there any justification?

Remembering that, and on reflection, would a different course of action produced better results in the same areas and improve?


I want my children to be Happy, Healthy, Humane. That means, as their Mother, it's my duty to best equip them by explaining the world to them in ways they can understand and provide them with the environment to safely discover the world by themselves.

It's true, I'm not on the phone to them every other minute. I'm confident in them. I know that they'll make mistakes sometimes, they're Human. I also know they're intelligent and they're kind. They'll forgive themselves eventually, they're not stupid. They'll know exactly when they've done something Wrong.




How do you know you're being lied to?

How do you know when someone is a liar?

How do you know that what you're being told isn't true?

When do these questions get asked?

If there's a dispute, all you know for sure is that someone's not being honest?

Is there anyway to avoid that?

If you don't know the answer to these questions, would you imagine I'm lying if I admit that I do?



I've asked my children these questions, in a variety of ways and situations. Honesty is also very important to me, like being a Mum, this is intrinsic to me. I may feel guilty about somethings, that doesn't mean I didn't do the right thing, it just means I'm very self critical. Don't make the mistake of imagining I lack judgement. I may be very open minded, supportive and positive, but that doesn't mean I'm not judging. I get annoyed when I don't know when I would have preferred or taken a different course and avoided the problem I later encountered. I forgive myself for taking risks. I considered all the rammifications, I did.


I read an article recently, entitled, "Is using photographs cheating?" (or something to that effect).

It's on an Artists Forum, and I've not replied to it.... yet.

The fact, however is, it's just sensible.

The Proof of the Pudding...

The great thing about having learnt so much in the last couple of centuries is that; we're now intelligent enough to be able to discuss how clever we are. Be impressed with ourselves and how much we've learnt and understand. Sit and wonder, what else might we learn and, would it make any difference (s) to what we already know.

That's modern and contemporary thinking. It's scientific. Fact.

Science tells us, there are no such things as God (s).

Instead it provides us with scientific Theories.

Rather than a Superhuman Being of infinite wisdom beyond any scale we ourselves (who are so clever) could imagine to begin to comprehend the Measure, .... we're offered FACT:

There was (probably) a 'Big Bang' - What? If you didn't already believe this and a five year old said, "So, in the Beginning of everything, there was this Big Bang" - would you immediately imagine ...' This Kid is a Genius!" - seriously.... would you?

So, where's the evidence to prove this.... scientifically?

Oh, take a look around - where? The Universe - This?

Science explains what it knows about itself (for every 'Science' = imagine every top mathematician, leading something or other in 'their field' and as a summary (potentially tongue in cheek) amalgamated response- "Well it's really Really BIG, in fact... it's Massive and before the Big Bang, it was nothing.

Oh....     er ... so why would Nothing suddenly have a Big Bang then?

Science: Well ... We don't  Know.

So, anyway.... Science is very clever, so I'm told often, mostly by scientists and anyone who believes all they say.

Science doesn't believe in God.

God, No?

No, God, no

Oh Good

Good?

Good, I mean, God

God is Good?

Is God Good?

Gawd a Good God

No, no Good God

Bad God?

Why's a Bad God Good?

Is 'Good' really all that Good or is it better to be Bad?

Bad is better than Good?

What?

By The Light of the Full Moon....

Now, if I admit to being a Pagan who makes sacrifices, will you be thinking, "Where's my phone.... some lunatic is hurting children!"

I could understand your concern and reaction.

Relax.... I don't hurt children!

Unless you count that time when I was upset with one of mine and shouted at them, maybe even pushed them or smacked them. I know it's not politically correct nowadays because there's so much concern about child abuse. Still, as their Mother, I feel it's my duty for me to demonstrate how upset someone maybe and give them an  opportunity to explore reactions, test their ability to cope with the reaction: make judgements in advance through learning how to recognise what the potential outcome maybe to any given action and to make associations in connection.

This IS part of my job.

I'm a Mother. That's almost a dirty word in our language today.

Why is that?

Why are Mum's, Mothers so poorly considered. It seems to me that there's so many obstacles placed in a Mothers path to allow her to improve and provide a happy, secure and intelligently challenging and supportive environment for her children to grow up within.

That's what we describe in clinical 'professional' terms as the ideal environment for human progress. It's the fundamental requirement and purpose of our species. However else you want to view the world and yourself within it, we all have an unspoken pact, allegiance, NEED.

In no particular order,

a) We want Our children to have what we didn't when we were kids.- Emotive = (Emotional/Motive). This also demonstrates acquired/refining skills and preference and predictive.

b) If our biological imperitave really works as we understand it, it is IN effect = the genetic/dna AND 'survival of the fittest' . - ImPerItive

c) We've identified, defined, described and researched our skills. We've listed them.

1) Healthy

2) Highly intelligent

3) Creative - (Innovative/Imaginative)

4) Adaptable

5) Credible

If you can think of any additional descriptive skill not already within one of those 5 categories, let me know.


Anyway, I''m a pagan but the sacrifices I make appear quite ordinary, people make sacrifices all the time. It's part of the job description - I'm a MUM.

Ultimately, however, I gain through these same sacrifices so in effect, they're not really a sacrifice but a promise.

Puppies...

I have two very young dogs, pups, one of each of very different breeds. I'll call them 'here' - Little and Large, because, compared to each other (and most other dogs), they are. They have lovely personalities, the older (by a month and a half) "Large" was confused about his name for the first 3 months, he thought it was "Good Boy!".

They're both very sociable. Understand that in this sense, I mean VERY sociable. They still think that everyone will be welcoming to them and want to pet them, make a fuss and probably play too (be Friendly, Fun). They're beginning to recognise their own confusion when meeting someone for the first time, the enthusiasm they have may not be met with the same in return, that confuses them and it's beginning (very occasionally at the moment) to creep in with a descernible hesitation before making their way over to make the introductions (so to speak).

Acquired knowledge is being applied. Large, for example, has decided he's really not  sure about the motive behind one particular dog that we have met several times now when out on one of the walks. I think he's not sure because he's noticed a problem in respect to the other dog's behaviour. On the one hand, it seems to want to play, on the other hand.... it's stance suggests an aggression. Large isn't at all sure or happy around this dog. Little on the other hand seems much more confident, accepting the other dogs behaviour and responding playfully.

It also seems plausible that this dog does feel or want to be aggressive, perhaps Little's puppy friendliness is something it can't resist responding positively towards. Either way, Large, I'm comfortably sure, will, in due course, make a decision and take an authoritative stance.

I watched a documentary styled programme yesterday, all about 'Man's Best Friend'. Fascinating, science has unfolded a few interesting facts regarding dogs and the bond they have with us as two distinct yet more happily co-existing species.

I'm training them both in both spoken and unspoken 'commands'. This means that I'm utilising what I know as an individual with Auditory Processing Disorder. They're each different in character and so alike. They're such good friends and it's fascinating watching them grow up learning about each experience they have.

When Large joined our family, I used to do a narrative for my son. Large would be doing something (playing probably) and I'd talk about what I imagined he was thinking. My youngest son (who was 13 at the time) listened with interest as I explained (in Large's voice) why he was behaving in any particular way.

We worried initially when Little joined our small throng. Suddenly there was a very definite and aggressive reaction. I laugh now thinking about how we must have watched in horror as Little attacked Large. It wasn't as easy as it may have looked to "let them get on with it". Little makes sudden rushes at Large - lunging at times. After living together (and growing up together) for 4 months now, they have a well established play.

I particularly enjoyed explaining to my youngest why Little was pretending to have a great time playing with the pebble - so that Large would decide to take it off him so that he could play with the stick (Large currently had) instead. Toy envy is hilarious at times.

Large enjoys showing Little what toy he's found, Little wants to play but recognises the pattern and growls instead of attempting immediately to capture the toy for himself. Large now realises that Little's not going to engage in a game of tug and war so easily and demonstrates what a great time could be had by the dog playing with that toy. Little tries to act indifferent, still unconvincingly.

Revelations....

So, I was diagnosed with Auditory Processing Disorder (APD - for short). At first I was horrified, was this little strangely red haired German Doctor being mean to me or what?

I'd sat back down in his office following the hearing tests. He was about to explain what their results showed or revealed. Prior to having the tests, I'd spent a brief time with the Consultant, who'd asked me (in brilliant English compared to my spoken German) if I would agree to wearing deaf aids should the test prove I was very hard of hearing. I'm laughing just remembering the question and my reaction.

I'd looked at him with a (barely concealing it semi-smiled and mimed "What?" (sotto voce styled), - slight/ head moves down/ but is turned upwards at a slight angle/ eyes looking directly at him but not centred (from an angle - you could see white on one side only) = means : Are you serious?

Here's an interesting question: Why have our species developed such a wealth of spoken and (consequently?) written forms of language?

Because it's hard to explain somethings without it?

I joined a course yesterday (evening), It's called "An Introduction to Sign Language" - BSL (that's British Sign Language). I've been learning a lot about it recently, although, with hindsight, I now realise I know more than I'd ever appreciated previously. What I learnt some months ago, which surprised me, was that the British Government only 'formally' recognised BSL as a 'real' language in the last decade. Does that surprise you too?

Think about it, our National language 'English' is THE International Language at this point. We're moving rapidly into a single world expression of thought through the point of focus of our modern age - The Internet/Information Technology. At this point, on the threshold to the future, our native language is the one of choice throughout the world. The 21st Century began a decade ago, around the point when BSL was recognised.

How many deaf people do YOU know? If, like me, your answer is: "Not many, maybe no-one at all". Yet we've all encountered people suffering the loss of hearing, usually our elderly neighbours and/or family. British Sign Language is (probably) underlying our language. It's the Most natural form of sign language. It's been introduced to places and populations throughout the world, due to our innovative trading and historical success during the Industrial Revlotion, which we spread throughout the world.

I think it's Odd that it's only now that BSL has become recognised - so recently - and wasn't before. Surely, the question shouldn't have been, "So do we Call it a Language at all?", When in fact, it Pre-Existed, it's different because, ... let's talk about that later.

For now, I want to think about Genius. I've looked up (researched) how it's defined and eventually recognised (on the rare occasion when someone daft enough risks raising their head to be seen - only those with something interesting but innocuous (safe) are acclaimed as Genius. When the rest of us (I use that common descriptive 'group' term loosely) see some personal gain, however indirectly.

How about this though, let me better describe the scenario. Genius is cleverer from birth, sometimes it's even recognised and we have a term to describe those that are, they're child prodigy. The English language can be confusing at times, we have words that appear to mean differing things. Yet we're so specific that we have a bigger vocabulary than any other (I think that's correct).

I naturally research, we all do to some extent. I forget lots of things that are typically requested in exam situations, like: Dates, Persons Name, Publication. The stuff you'd include in a bibliography. I think that's irrelevant, I don't need to remember that stuff unless I have to prove to anyone that I'm not simply making it up. Or lying.

So for the sake of further comment, let's not argue about it, let's assume instead that this is just my thinking, if  you want to check out some of the details, you're invited to do so, but I don't think that's really important, what is.... is what I understand and know to be true. You can decide for yourself - incidentally, when you do, I'll also be making informed decisions about you.

A Genius is likely to remember a good deal about what they learn simply because they Chose to learn that. They'll recall what the main results were, how they arrived there and why that's correct. Where they have doubts about the conclusions, they'll consider the reasons why and may do one of two things further, they'll either continue to speculate until they arrive at the solution (work it out) or they'll actively seek it out. Apply that idea to Einstein. Everyone 'knows' he was a Genius, he's the best example we currently have, and the reason why he's our best example is because he changed so much or influenced (and continues to do so) our every day life.

Most people have heard or will learn about his equation: E = Mc2.  Most people haven't got a clue what that actually means. Who does?

A Genius because he was not only able to work things out, he had the ability to make others understand what he'd discovered. He had the ability to communicate his findings to others. There was a lecture (somewhere where he taught) and the leading Scientists from around the Globe sat and listened to Einstein explain, how all time exists Now.

I wonder how many came out pretending they'd seen the Emperor's New Clothes, when really, they hadn't understood how it could be because they hadn't understood what Einstein had said. See what I mean?

Was the man a Genius because, not only did he figure out something that was in some way useful to the rest of us (loosely applied) but because he'd a way of explaining that made all the difference in understanding for the majority who wanted to and had influence?

I remember when I was a young child watching "Tomorrow's World" on television. They'd introduce me to new creations that they assured us would be commonplace sometime soon. It fascinated me, these inventions and what they potentially offered as daily experience sometime soon in my future. No one had personal compters then, the idea of it was just a dream. Things have changed phenomenally over the last few years. So much new technology, sharing of ideas, inventions and wealth.

Language in any form is fascinating, wonderful, interesting and intriguing. It serves so many purposes for us and it's unavoidable as well.

I like Emphasis, I probably over use the word fascinating. I ramble as well and I like the word Tangent - it was first introduced to me in a Maths lesson. I liked it immediately because it perfectly described my frequent patterns of thought.

Our brains function faster than computers, computers are so much slower than dullards that it's immeasurable, at the moment. I'm sure that will change.

My brain works faster than most, I have a personal library that's so extensive and varied, I am spoilt for choice (literally) when considering any one route of 'conventional' degree. Plus, I am quickly bored by none sense information. Who really cares when someone figured something out, unless it's Relevant. In that what I mean is that, for an example, it offers a means of measure. If that happened then, this amount of time has passed since and so, this is what has happened as a result. See?

However, is my favourite word. People probably think it's an odd choice when there's so many more interesting words to have as a favourite. I like it because it's not unusual, so it can be used fairly frequently. It also marks a point of change. When you read an article and it says (at some point) "However....." it says,

"What you think has been previously agreed and or understood is now about to change and I'll describe why and how now, so pay attention".

So language has developed in order for us to explain the more complex and exchange information that profits us. English is the most versatile and specific language that we currently have and it's inclusive, flexible, expandable and encompassing.

What do I mean by that? I'm told that German is technical, French appears to be more obscure, and each language has in someway contributed to English. So in effect, it's not one language, it's them all.

I used to think that Maths was a separate (stand alone) multinational language, that was understood readily by a few.

Think about it, Maths is more specialised, it isn't just numbers it's specific terminology and incorporates symbology. It's more concise than verbal language and unhindered by dialect (? I'm not convinced about that although I'm positing for sweeping general appreciation).

Einstein utilised Math, in effect, he worked out codes.

Codes are language and there's a lot of them about nowadays. HTML, Java, to name a couple of the most obvious.

These codes are written 'mathematical' commands.

What's nice about them is that, mostly, if they're in anyway corrupt - it's recognisable - eventually - as an example think of the 'error' messages you occasionally get or the unexpected result.

Pretty much all of my school year reports made some mention of me being a bit of a daydreamer. I used to laugh whenever I saw that, thinking immediately of the occasions that had prompted that with the writer of the report. If it was the Headmaster (or their Deputy) I knew they'd be thinking of 'Assembly'. When I might have a thought on  some comment they were making and my process of thought had taken me off on a train. In other words, I'd stopped listening to whoever was speaking. Often, when I did look back at them, there was a question in my mind that in someway disagreed with what they'd been saying or required further insight (a response).

People ask questions, think of an interview (that's safe). It's understood by all present that the purpose is to understand if the person being interviewed (the Candidate) is suitable and preferred for the job (role).

Various questions will be asked in relation to the job itself, the reason given is so that those deciding who to appoint have an appreciation and trust in the response (make an informed decision about their knowledge and ability to perform the tasks involved). Questions also identify strengths and weaknesses to be considered along with the candidates appearance, personality and credibility.

"Tomorrow's World" - the programme I watched as a child - suggested that by the 21st Century, homeworking would become common place as people would have new technologies which would permit this to happen (Computers/Telephones) and it would (as a desired backproduct) allow more time to be spent with family. As a potential woman at the time, this appealed to me immediately. I could imagine myself working from home and being (at the same time) with my children - a good Mum.

New legislation regarding equality of opportunity was explained at school. Great, so now I get more freedom to choose and fulfil my personal potential and I still get to be a good Mum.

Hedges and possibilities...

If, like me, you enjoy the English language for it's nuances, innuendo and associations, you'll also appreciate why I like to describe myself as a (Hedge) Which?. Consider first, not the spelling, but the sound of those two words and what associations you're making with each, then also add my comment prior to them and you'll begin to appreciate how my mind works.

I love all forms of communication, they Interest me. I've been told too many times that I think too much, but that seems such a strange comment to me. There's not enough time to think too much, it's impossible to achieve considering the range and depth of potential it provides. Nevertheless, I do understand why it's not always (or even often) appreciated.

So let me tell you a little about me and why I'm writing this 'blog'.

I'm almost 47, almost. When I tell people that, nowadays, they'll often reply, "That's not Old". I probably spend more time considering the implications of that comment. First, be reassured (in case you're wondering), I don't think I'm old at all. That doesn't mean I'm not prepared to use that term descriptively at opportune moments, like those times I am encouraging teenagers to do a bit more to help around the house, for example.

Still there's this question I haven't answered yet, and it's one I've asked myself so many different times in the past. Simply, "What did I do to deserve this?", or I could rephrase it, "Did I do something to deserve this?". When I think about it, there's a range of ways of rephrasing:

"Do I deserve this?"

"Who decides what I deserve?"

"If I deserve better, why hasn't that happened?"

Where do I start when I don't know where the beginning is?

If I don't know where the beginning is, then the beginning is where I start?

What is really important and who decides, how do we qualify or validify what that should be and when or how do we know if we're wrong?

How many questions are there possible in life do you think? I ask myself a lot of questions and find there's a huge range of potential answers and that means there's a process of elimination immediately engaged in order to provide the most appropriate solution - the 'probable' answer.

The most interesting thing about auditory processing disorder, I'm discovering, is the potential it offers and .... somehow at the same time......


I've just spent about 20 minutes selecting a dress and jacket to impress... I'm going to visit the local and main art gallery in Stafford (Shirehall - I think that's how it's spelt). As I've only been painting since February this year, I haven't an established reputation. In fact, when I think about it, whatever reputation I may have had is, in many respects, in tatters, although.... not yet associated with Art.

In the 8 months since making my first purchase of oil paints, easel and some 'oil quality' paper, I've managed to produce in excess of 45 oil paintings. I say 'in excess' because, I've already forgotten and keep forgetting to remember to keep count.

I have begun to 'catalogue', that's seems to be part of the job. So is self promotion, hence today's 'Dress to Impress' efforts. Of which, and as a result, I'm wearing a short, figure hugging, black and grey lacey lycra dress, with a fitted size 10 Black jacket and black patent leather FM shoes (black tights of course - this dress is too short for stockings by several inches!).

There's lots of benefits associated with Auditory Processing Disorder (APD - for short). There's disadvantages too, although... even those may not be as bad as I might think. One of the advantages is that it's associated clinically and psychologically with 'giftedness'. Fortunately, in many respects, few people will spot that .... for a variety of reasons. You may ask or simply wonder what those maybe, well... perhaps the most obvious example is the best - I have great difficulty telling lies. In fact, as a matter of habit, I don't.

What I find interesting is the general reaction and response to that admission, "Oh, Everyone tells lies!" "Everyone says".

I usually say, "Do they?!" with a quizzical and deeply interested expression on my face.

I ask myself (often) "Is what's obvious to me really NOT to everyone else? Or am I completely wrong in what I understand that to be?"

When someone says, "Oh Everyone lies!" - it tells me, "I tell lies, but that's the truth".

When I answer (in a calm questioning way), "Do they" - it means, "Okay, I'll pretend we're not talking about 'you' although I believe you, but ... why do you tell lies?"

Ever wondered how the other 90% of language is exchanged?

I have.

The principle being that we communicate but only 10% of that is with a language like, for example - English.

English is both a spoken and written language so I'm not excluding either aspect. For this purpose both are equally important and still within the 10% that we  ( ... well... okay.... 'I'... ) enfence the preposition within.

I'm not sure at what age I began critically assessing situations, analysing behaviour and associated phrases. From early childhood (being the middle child) I began to mentally record patterns, because I recognised their intrinsic and significant suggested outcome. That may well be why I never found an interest in chess, it certainly didn't have an immediate impact on my life the way other people's behaviour did and the (apparently inevitable) outcomes of  sibling disagreements.

Something else people (who I've told) appear to struggle with accepting, is that I estimate I was about 7 months old when I experienced my first memory. In fact, I recall it quite vividly. I remember that I was wearing a dress, pale lemon (I think) and I crawled (badly) to the corner of the playpen to climb up onto my feet. In retrospect, it wasn't the best choice of corner because my intention was to make my way to the playbeads, which were just out of reach from a sitting point. I had to climb onto my feet in order to reach and play with them, if I'd made my way to the nearest corner, I would have conserved more energy, however... I managed to traverse the distance without falling down.

I suspect the reason I remember this is because, sometime later, I sat down in frustration. My legs weren't strong enough to hold me up any more and I hadn't succeeded in removing the playbeads (from the side of the playpen) so that I could sit down and play with them more comfortably. Insufficient muscle tone resulted in a resigned fall - back to the floor of the playpen - and crying.

I remember my face next to the playbeads, looking at the rod they were threaded onto. Deliberating as I tested the movement of the beads, trying to find a way to remove them.

So, anyway, I was diagnosed with APD a couple of summers ago and there's very little information about it. I've researched and read most of what is available online to the point where 'specialists' are repeating what I've already learnt about. It's still fascinating in many respects, especially as a prop for my ego.

If you had the choice of being either a bit mad or a potential genius, which would you pick and why?

Life is so often about perception and self portrayal, promotion and credibility. If you find it hard to believe someone is a Genius, is that because you aren't clever enough to recognise it?

What if someone was brilliant, talented, hugely 'gifted', but found people said all the 'wrong' things about it, like,

a) "You CAN'T do that!" (test Your imagination by applying various intonations too) - when, evidently you could and you have? What are you supposed to say in response?

Perhaps: "I can't?", "But I have!", or "Why do You think/say that I can't?".

b) "You've got it wrong!" (test Your imagination by applying various intonations too) - yet suddenly they get vague when pointing out where and start talking about something Else that they don't like (maybe about You).

Predictable responses are: "Where?" usually followed with, "What?" - both of which are fully interchangeable in context and application.

c)  "Where's the evidence?"

This is the most difficult question to answer, of course because, what I may consider to be evidence may not be agreed. Critical thinking has so many benefits but it's not bestowed when giving wisdom.